Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Disclaimer-This is a non-mission post, but it's a life post so I think that's fitting too.
It's Thanksgiving break right now and for the first time this year my college made the decision to give us the entire week off of school. This is a much needed opportunity to catch up on sleep, homework, and everything else that I've been putting off before entering the stressful last couple of weeks of college. I was sitting in my room today trying to figure out where I wanted to hang a painting from Guate and a Cross from Honduras (Yes, I realize I've been home for three months, but these things didn't have priority until now, okay?) and I realized I don't have to move them from my desk because in about six months I will be moving. In six months I will be living in some amazing place that I don't know where that is yet and I have let that completely terrify me for a long time.
This summer I started to read The Brothers Karamozov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky in Guatemala and there's this line where he says "Avoid fear, though fear is simply the consequence of every lie." I love that line for so many reasons, but mainly because it points out that everything that you fear is because somewhere along the way you believed some lie and that is the reason you're fearful. We are taught so often that you need to have your future completely planned, you need to know exactly what you want to do, know all the steps it's going to take to get there, and that you're not allowed to be unsure about the "big" things. I think I finally started to realize that that way of thinking is one of the biggest lies I've convinced myself to believe and as a consequence I've allowed myself to fear the uncertainty of my future. Sometimes transitional periods in life can leave you feeling like a big mess of split ends, but I've been learning that it doesn't have to be that way. I've been learning that it is 100% okay to not know what I'm doing because I have these insane dreams that change weekly or even daily.. and that's okay. I've been learning that fear is often one of the biggest things that keeps me from my dreams and I can change that. I've been learning that it's okay to not have all the answers and that it's okay to let all of the possibilities in life completely thrill me. I'm learning that the fear of figuring out my future only has the authority over me that I allow it to.
We are taught so often as little kids that God has our future completely planned out, but I think sometimes as adults we don't understand what that means. We stress about huge decisions or even small ones and forget that ultimately God takes care of us if we put our trust in Him. We need to realize that yes, sometimes what we're meant to do comes with a lot of work and effort, but if you're spending so much time worrying about something that it is ultimately taking over your life and consuming your happiness I think you're second guessing God. I think by doing that we are saying that our plans for our life, our decisions, and our worry are worth more of our time, attention, and heart than Papa God is. We need to realize that whatever is not from God will ultimately fall apart on its own and that what He has planned for us will be there EXACTLY when we need it to be even if it doesn't feel that way. We do not realize how poisonous stress and worry are until we lay them down to God. So whenever I realize that something is causing me stress or worry I've been working on giving it to God and having him show me something to be thankful for about that situation.
While I am filling out applications to colleges I'm thankful for the opportunity to take my mask off and be vulnerable to failure in a society that is constantly fighting to try to hide their vulnerability but I'm learning that to be vulnerable is to be alive.
While I am stressing about finals I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to live in a country where education is so available, I have a family that supports me in school, and teachers who work hard everyday to help us succeed.
When I think of how scared I am to have to say goodbye to so many friends and people that helped form the person I am while I was growing up when I leave in six months I am beyond thankful that I have been so blessed to know so many amazing people.
While I am in a season of waiting I'm thankful for the opportunity to learn that sometimes God calls us to be content in our discontentment. That's exactly what waiting is, being content in your discontent and trusting wholeheartedly that He will provide for you.
God has your entire future planned so stop stressing and start living in Him and you will encounter your beautifully pre-planned destiny.